i decided to switch to another journal... http://marina125.typepad.com/

maybe i'll come back here every once in a while.

I feel like I may have some late pms or something. It's been so long I can't even rememeber what it's like. But, I am much more sleepy and much more cranky and much more crampy and well, my weight and eating went up and maybe it's not just the breast milk that i am working so hard to keep producing, but maybe it's PMS. I don't know. I sure hope so. I mean, technically, my pill is on the last week. I just started the POP this month and I doubt I will get my period yet, since it's still only been barely 3 months, but who knows, maybe I will. But period or not, is it possible to have PMS anyway?

Otherwise, I was bummed last night because D totally stopped cuddling with me all of a sudden cause I made a joke about him not having a side of the bed. Or just used it as an excuse. So I went and cuddled with Chaplin lol, but he kind of smells so it wasn't the same. I am trying to keep them off our couch and on their own bed and they always sneak on there when we are asleep. I don't know why but it's very important for me to succeed. D went and got me my mocha before leaving this morning which was very sweet.

Miles is killing me with the wakin gup in the middle of the night. He woke up at 1:40 (went to bed at 8), then at 4:40 and then at 7:30. I am so sick of getting up that one extra time. I wish he would just wake up at 1:40 and then sleep for the rest of the night. It's so frustrating. Last night at the first feeding he was totally wet. I am not sure how he managed this but he peed on himself up the diaper I think. I had to take off his clothes and I think it took him some time to fall asleep after that. I really need to change his sheets. I don't know why but I haven't done it in like two weeks. Ugh, what a terrible mother. I am going to do it today. That said, we were gone for a lot of those two weeks...ok, i feel better.

otherwise, I feel like I am yet again unhappy with my journal. I don't nkow why. I just always want something different. Like typepad or something lol. Oh well. Anyway, I just renewed so I gotta stick around. I so wish I knew more people with kids. It's so hard when nobody you know gets your life. Ok, back to work and then off to a meeting.

So Miles gets very upset when he has a booger and basically fusses the whole time. So I have become sort of a booger master at getting them out with the salene drops and the bulb thingie. Miles doesn't love the process but he doesn't hate it and he laughs when the bulb thing goes in. He just hates the drops part. Anywho, after he feels great and that is all that matters. So, my husband thinks that my obsession and love for getting out the boogies is a bit strange, but today, I realized I was not alone. Apparently dogs, partcularly the pom jack russel mixes named Rusty love boogies too. Rusty, after smelling it on my finger, ate Miles's gigantic boogie that came out of the right nostril! and Chaplin looked a little jealous. No worries, my Australlian Terrier favorite, next one is definitely yours.

For such small words there sure is a lot behind what they mean. Post partum, everything is different. My body, my mind, my heart, my relationships, my attitude towards think, my priorities, and the list goes on.
Right now I am going to have to admit to myself that I am sad. I am sad, overworked, stressed and tired, and that let's face it, I was not ready to go back to work when I did, I was not ready tohave company when I did and to be responsible for entertaining people, and I was not ready for the emotions that overcame me after giving birth.

I am a tough girl. I endure a lot and deal with a lot and am strong and I love my family and friends and that keeps me going. I am motivated and that motivation keeps me going. But since I had Miles, there has been an internal struggle between me, and post partum me. Post partum me needs more help and support, where as regular me is too proud to ask for it. Post partum me needed more time off, but the real me said no way. (Well, and my work sort of needs it). Regular me thought that the things that sometimes I wished D would help me with wouldn't bother me as much as they actually ended up bothering postpartum me.
The thing is that not only am I now regular me, I am regular me post partum. And no matter how much I fight it, there are some things I can't control. I can't control the hormones, which cause the emotional roller coaster rides, the constant feeling of incompetancy as a mother, as an employee, as a wife, and as a woman. I can't control the feeing like no matter what I do, there will never be enough time for me to finish all the work that I have, all the household stuff that I need to do or it will drive me insane, and all the random things I would like to do, like put together a few picture albums of Miles and our now family of three, and to hang up pictures in the apartment, and sort through all the cords that are now intertwined in a box and figure out what they are all for (yes, i know, i am totally crazy). I want to beat the Simpson's game on Playstation (or at least play it here and there). I want to read more than three pages of The Undercover Economist before passing out from exhaustion, I want to get a pedicure, get my eyebrows waxed, and have enough time to study for the CAIA level one so I actually pass it in MArch. I want to feel like I am not a failure. I want to feel loved by my husband who for some reason doesn't get what I need. Probably because I don't knowhow to ask and by the time I do, I am so filled with pain and probably hostility that it comes out like I am accusing him of something. I just need help right now, and asking him for it is hard, and the fact that he deosnt' seem to get it is tough on me. Regular me, postpartum me, pick one.

The truth is that right now, post partum me is who I am. And my biggest fear is that Regular Me is gone for good. But maybe I am just looking at it from a perspective that only sees the tough part. After all, post partum me is the one that is a mommy. The one that knows she can give birth to a beautiful baby boy. Post partum me is working full time and taking care of a baby, and trying her best to be there for friends and family. And if sometimes postpartum me lets something slip or doesn't have enough time, well, Miles comes first now, and that's something that people, including regular me, need to just accept and understand.

I just wish that I wasn't so sad. I should really appreciate my life (as I do in the back somewhere underneath this unexplained sadness and overirritation) and realize that every day is a gift.

i hate myself right now... i'm sad

so tired...

Miles had a milestone today! He was laying in James's playbed that had these toys above it and he hit a toy and realized that he did it. So then, he was trying to hit it again...and after a few tries, he did! And each time he hit the little bears above him he smiled!!! :) It was so fun to watch. I hope he does it again. We don't really have anything that has this kind of hanging thing above him except this little matt but I am thinking of getting little things to hang in his little seat, or maybe buy a better seat at some point that is also bigger. We will see. Anyway, it was really exciting. I have more to post about my day, but that will be later :).. I have things to do at the moment.

why am i in a perpetual state of hunger?

oh, and I really need coffee...bad...

guitar hero 2 came out today :).. hubby got it so we can play when we have time...which will be like two weeks from now but wahtever. Very excited!

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

~ Winston Churchill


so, i guess i am well on my way ? (to succeeding I mean..)

I think I saw Kiano Reeves today  on  81st between amsterdam and Columbus. He was sporting the grunge look: unshaved and hair all over the place. But I am 99% sure it was him. He also had that look on his face, like, please don't recognize me people. But I never flip out when I see stars (not infront of them anyway) and I try not to make eye contact. 

Dereck saw the guy from Lucky Louis at our starbuck's, and he also saw and actually spoke with Stephen King apparently. :)

i wasn't in the greatest moods when I woke up because of the heat situation and the work and the things I have to do this week and well, i think i was overwelmed and just really got off on the wrong foot. BUT. I had a nice phone conversation, I got some work done an dtold myself it's ok to do a bit less today and work harder the rest of the week, and then, I made a plan for the day so I feel better. 

as for food, I realize now that I will never lose weight by dieting. The only way I will lose the last ten pounds of baby weight and the ten pounds I am still to lose after is by not emoeating and by letting go of the "bad" food mentality...and well, I haven't done that yet. I need to. I will try this week. I just feel a bit lost in that department because I feel like I switch back and foth between strict and just letting my body lead me and neither seems to work out because ultimately I am not addressing the main issue... I think it's because I don't know how or what it is most of the time.  I almost know, but not quite.

so tired....

Last two nights I have successfully managed to get Miles to go to bed around 8 or 9. First night it was around 8:45. He then woke up at around one and then again at four thirty and then in the morning. Then last night, I fed him, gave him a bath, swaddled him, read him a story while he cooed and he loved my owl impression :), and then I let him eat a tiny bit more and put him in his crib and turned the mobile on. He loves that mobile. He fell asleep after a while and slept until about 2 am. Then he woke up to eat again at like five and then in the morning. And he seems to be pooping much better now so that is happy news for me. 
Overall, I know it's too early to think I have him on a schedule, but I am going to try to do this every night around eight, where I feed him and change him into pjs and then every other day it will be bath time, and i will read to him and see if he will go to sleep. This way we can at least start heading toward a routine and also this is good because it gives us some downtime. 
Dereck has not been very nice lately. He hasn't been mean, he just hasn't been nice. I don't know. I just feel very neglected lately and in general I am missing something from him that I really need right now. Am not sure how to explain it. It's just that I feel like he doesn't value me sometimes. I know that it's probably not true, but that's just how I feel. And I feel like he doesn't do things he used to for me to make me feel good and special and that upsets me. I mean, with a newborn it's a tough thing to also be there for your partner, but it's necessary and I try very hard, and I wish he did too. 
Maybe he is just under the weather these last few days.

I have so much to write but I just don't have time right now. But just writing that I will be writing makes me somehow feel a little bit better...

Fatigue has really started to affect me. From the bags under my eyes, to the higher sensitivity and irritability (which I have so far controlled more or less but see myself on the verge of snapping the next time someone leaves their dishes in the sink or sais something obnoxious or anything that I normally would laugh off or just talk myself through). I won't even get started on how hard it is to work being this tired.
Right now Miles is going through a new phase where he can't poop or has trouble and ries and cries and cries and I have come to a point tonight where I had to put him down in his crib and go sit in the other room.
I love that little boy, but it's very hard right now, and although D is great, I feel very overwhelmed, because in the end of the day, most of the time Miles is with me, around me, on me.. That said, right now, late at night when I cant take it any more, Dereck sees it and he has him, and is taking care of him, and that is how we work, and I am greatful that he is here for these kinds of times and does it without even being asked...because I would be upset if Ihad to ask.
He is great. Miles is great. He is a fussy gassy infant that can't poop well, but he is my sweet, wonderful baby who I love with all his farty poopy fussyness... I am just very very very very tired right now.

I know I should wake up Miles and keep him up a bit but I just can't do it. I had a tough day. The conference was frustrating because I had to pump in these strange bathrooms andone of the pumps was not working (i normally have an electrical but took a hand one to the conference but only had one and borrrowed the other one and that other one doesn't work on my bood).
I was stressed because I really felt the testosterone in the room today moreso than normally. I guess it's cause I've been on leave for the last month and a half and just got out of my "tough" mode.

I am still not happy leaving Miles, and these last few days he's been fussy because he can't really poop... He managed once yesterday but still nothing today. I gave him water with brown sugar like the doctor said and I hope it helps. I had to take him out in the baby bjorn and walk around to get him to fall asleep and I guess he was so tired from all the fussyness that he is still asleep. I am afraid we will pay for this tonight.
If he is not awake by ten I will make myself wake him up. It's just he peace and quiet is something I really needed for a few hours.

I sort of binged but not totally. I didn't really stop eating when I wasn't hungry any more and now I am very full but I will start fresh tomorrow. I noticed what I did, and even thought about it a bit before and while I did it, so I will concider that progress.
Today, somehow it came up that I have a one month old infant and a man told me that he is shocked because I certainly don't look it. Even if he was lying, I appreciated it :).
Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and write a bit.
I have another frustration with stupid Wachovia but am too tired to get into it.
Oh, and my blackberry service which I got yesterday (for work) is not sinking with our email correctly so tomorrow I have to be on the phone with an IT guy trying to figure out what is going wrong. I am going to make my gmail account come there too. i was reluctant in getting one at first, but they are kind of fun...there is free internet so I can browse when I am bored by what someone is saying :) jk. Seriously though, it does help for work purposes, as much as it makes it seem even more like I am always working.

I am looking out my window right now and attempting to work. Obviously, I can't do both at the same time. This is an either or situation and I chose the "or". I am disgusted by the view. It's windy, there is no sun, and it just feels like it's cold outside. Very disappointing. I am not a fan of November weather and though this is still October, we have entered the November weather. November is a month of inbetweens. The trees are losing leaves, it's cold and rainy but doesn't smell like crisp fall outside, and it's not really time for snow yet. Everyone seems broody for the most part, and it gets dark so quickly.
The great thing is that I get to drink hot tea with milk, and hot chocolate, and cozy up in fuzzy socks :) and read magazines and books under the blanket on Sundays without feeling like I am missing out on something outdoors.
Except right now I am working:).

Ok, I have to eat my words. It's not November weather just yet cause the sun came out :).

I tried to diet this past week or so. Not real diet cause I am breastfeeding, but i did cut some calories and I started to incorporate exercise (even though not cleared yet).
I realized though that first of all, my milk supply started to go down, so I had to stop, second of all, that I have too much going on to remember to eat throughout the day and end up very hungry and overeating and worrying about calories, and third, that the more I obsess over what and how much I eat, the worse I do...I binge.

So, tomorrow is Monday. I am going to NOT WEIGH IN NO MATTER WHAT. I am making a public promise not to weigh myself for two days, and if I can after that try for longer.
I will also eat whatever I am hungry for. The only thing I will do is actually chew my food, and try and make healthy choices, and try to nip the emotional eating in bud (is that the expression?). I am just going to try to get back to basics without the dieting. Healthy foods, give into cravings, everything in moderation. I will only try one rule and that is not waiting till like ten to eat dinner and then stuffing my face.

The most important thing is to not obsess, remember that I am to be making milk and feeding a baby who needs me to eat nutricious foods, and also that I can do this and that and that even now, at this (hideous) weight, with the new stretchmarks and the lowered self esteem, I am still deservant of love, affection, and friendship, both from those around me and myself. And if I can't give myself the respect I deserve, how do I expect to raise my little baby boy into a man, who respects women and knows that they are strong, respectable, and beautiful (except for the ugly hores...jk)... Seriously, though, I am going to be healthy and I am not turning into that girl that I turn into when my life gets complicated and busy and when new challenges arise or when I am just nervous or scared or worried. I know I am rambling, but I am feeling very rambly... :)

That said, I had a good weekend, lots of social things that enabled me to still breast feed and not drag my baby any where or leave him with anyone which is always great.